Dear Mom 9/16/2015
Dear Mom,
So here is the long awaited update. Sorry it has taken so long. I have been too ill these days, and not well enough to write. But I think and hope my stomach is now settled. I still don't know what my stomach thing was. Medical staff here will not do any testing.
Anyway, so here it goes. My case is not going how I expected. The N.G.R.I is not happening because I know what planet I live on and I am not covering myself in feces. Being sexually abused by Karl at a young age and having a few sexually awkward situations with you and having the sexual nightmares of you, for 16 years and thinking I am some kind of sleeping God waiting for another God or Goddess to come get me and tell me how to awaken my powers and take me to Olympus and be placed in a war to save human kind, is COMPLETLY normal to them, and I am totally competent and sain, and the above stated has apparently NOTHING to do with my charges, nor has any influence they say. HA!
Ain't that some shit!? The system has totally failed. I will be asking for a 2nd opinion. because even if I did get NGRI, it does not sound like a good thing either. My public defender told me I would have to go to a pretty bad sounding asylum for a minimum of 1 year, and I am told the mental hospitals are not what they use to be. I remember mental hospitals having all day group therapy and individual therapy. I am told they now only have group therapy once a week now and that's it? What the Hell has the world come to?
Even though we are not going with NGRI, the douchebag that did the test on me has written a 20-30 page test report on me which we may or may not use at our disposal in court. In addition, I will be undergoing a "300" report just like Erik. These things will be able to help me in court, as well as my lack of criminal record.
It looks like I am not going to be going with "not guilty" as my public defender warns me, I would get a mandatory minimum of 5 years or more, as it would "piss off my prosecutor" and he would come after me harder. So, with NGRI not happening, and not guilty not happening, I have no choice but to plead guilty. I feel backed into a corner with nowhere else to go. It is the best option my public defender tells me, and it would be the quickest route to freedom she says. It still sucks though as I believe they should still give me partial insanity if there were such a thing. I want everyone to try to imagine having sexual nightmares of their parents or a relative sexually abusing them day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, and tell me what kind of mental damage it might do to themselves or someone. It's a no brainer to me, that these nightmares alone were a piece of this puzzle, how they drove me crazy to seek out what I did, to try to understand these dreams or make sense of it or something. I don't even know.
So anyway, how much time I am facing is not really clear and is still hard to say. I won't get a release date until the day of my sentencing which is not scheduled yet, but will be between January & March
To remind you, my public defender wrote me a statement in July stating she believes my guidelines are an active incarceration of 2 years 3 months to 6 years with a mid point of 4. However, on that same letter, she writes how my lack of record and all my mental health stuff could work in my favor and hopes I will be just put on probation.
She really confused me last time I saw her. The NGRI guy was telling me to plead guilty as it would be the quickest way to freedom. He said he had been doing reports for sex offenders for 26 years. He said the way it usually goes for people with your charges, is they would give you 1 year per charge, but suspend 9 months of each year. So that would give me 15 months of active incarceration to do in which I would only have to serve 85% of that time. If your sentence is greater than a 2 years, you are D.O.C (department of corrections) and go to prison, but again, you only serve 85%. I hope that makes sense for you.
So, basically, if that's how it goes, come time I get sentenced, I would have already put in 9 to 11 months or more, and by the time I get sentenced, I could just be awarded "Time served" and be released on probation. My public defender says there is a very high chance for that, so that's what we are hoping for. I asked her if what the NGRI tester said was valid and she agreed, and said if I tried to go with that route, I might get 2 years active incarceration. Very confusing. I responded, wait a minute, what about all that talk about just getting probation?
On another day, she told me people with my charges were averagely getting 1 and a half to 3 years. Regardless, I will of course be getting 2-6 years probation. In addition, I will have to register as a sex offender and go to classes, yad-yada-yada Just like Erik. But unlike Erik, I am not eligible for Trustee program, work release, work force, detention diversion or diversion. In VA, they will not let anyone on the registry even though my offense is at or near the bottom of the list of these types of charges. and people with my charges have a less than 3% chance of reoffending. Still, society does not give people on the registry a second chance.
(Side notes unrelated) "Happy tunes that lift my spirits while incarcerated" Banana Boat, Shake Senora, Ducktales theme, TMNT theme, Mozart, Jade-"Don't Walk Away", Rocky theme, Hocus Pocus music, Cranberries "twister", Ozzy-shot in the dark, I've got the power, Johnny B goode, Hook soundtrack, various video game soundtracks, Addams Family Mamushka, Love in a hopeless place
Sorry I can't give you a better idea of when I might be free. I wish I knew that myself. I will be hoping and praying I get released on or near sentencing, or by May. But sadly, I will be preparing to do one or more years. I'm not sure what the math is 85% of 2 years 3 months . But I'm guessing it would put me at a release of April 2017. Again I cannot qualify for any programs to get Good time off. Virginia is brutal on sex charges. Lots of people are getting burned by the judges in general these days.
Since day one, I have been thinking of what I would say to the judge and I am pretty confident I will do well and the judge will have mercy. I'll be writing rough drafts soon. I'll send you a copy eventually. The other next steps are finalizing mental health stuff. I still need all my mental hospitals paperwork from storage. Please get that out for my public defender when you can sometime by December or early January. My lawyer wants to get some character witnesses she will try to get a couple guitar students to vouch for me. I would really like to get a statement from Joey or Jen, stating how Joey and all of us lived under the same roof from his birth to age 7? And then at your house joint custody untill age 11 or so? Nothing inappropriate ever happened.
I hope this answers all of your questions about my case. I am not going to prison unless the judge goes above the guidelines. He or she would have to give me 6 or 7 years. You can stay here at the jail for 5 years. They raised it from 2. I could not fathom doing more than 2 years here. If I have one year to go, I will try to go to a facility called "Pumison". It is a low level security facility 2 hours away, with better food and you can go outside and better activities and more. There are many inmates here who have been To many jails and prisons, and they all agree this is by far the worst jail. That's a pretty big statement. I don't want to alarm you just yet, but I may go on suicide watch soon. Maybe in the end I'll get sent to a mental facility even without NGRI. I need it. They must have better medical. I do worry this jail might make me harm myself because of the medical neglect. I may need to defer my pain elsewhere (self harm). I feel that 14 to 15 years years old suicidal self coming back in me. I don't want to think this way, the ways I used to about harming myself, but my pains hurt so damn much I feel a hostile rage in myself coming. This wouldn't even cross my mind if they would simply put me on a non narcotic, jail-safe anti inflammatory. Is that too much to ask? The one who makes that call (the physicians aid) has not even seen me in 3 months yet she writes in response to my requests "no medication needed at this time"
How can she legally say that without even seeing me? So messed up. So many lawsuits waiting to happen. Sometimes I hope my many health problems do kill me so you and dad can sue this jail. Screw this place!
OK I need to finish this letter. Thank you for holding onto my stuff. I will rent a cheap $80 storage unit when I get out, and thank you for all the commissary money. Just put it aside now please for car repair or money for when I am released. Dad should not sell any of my things until we know what time I am facing. Please get him to understand that.
I am utilizing my time as best I can hear. seeing as there are absolutely no programs here besides AA and NA, they do not even have a GED program here anymore. Pretty sad the richest county in the country's jail has nothing to offer. Isn't that the point of jail's? To rehabilitate? This jail is nothing but a cement and steel waiting room. And the sinks should flow with champagne instead. Sad.
So, I do what I can. I have read 11 or 12 books so far. Kind of an even mix of fiction and non-fiction books. They are all outdated. So of what little educational stuff there is, it's old and obsolete. I have been reading the dictionary every day as well as improving my math and working on practical intelligence. I day dream on life goals, business and invention. it's what keeps me going. I'm getting very good at shooting hoops. My back can't handle the fast action or contact of the sport with people, so I just shoot solo and I'm getting pretty good. I am also decent at chess, and play lots of rummy 5,000. All of these things I learned here. I never really played much basketball as a kid because the driveway was always dirty and the ball got dirt on your hands.
I miss video games and Shannon most of all. I miss Shannon more than I miss freedom itself. I've had nothing better to do than think about how perfect a person she is in every way. We are just friends though, and I don't want to get hung up on her especially if I got another year to do. I just miss her. Even wish to marry her. If I get out soon, I want to save up for a ring and propose to her if her in Steve don't work it out, and if she's still single. If not, then I'll have to find another lucky lady. It's time for me to think of such things. Jail has made me realize how valuable time is and how I shouldn't delay certain things any further.
Don't worry I'm not setting my myself up for heartbreak. I've seen too many inmates lose themselves over girlfriends or wives on the outside completely. Others have turned completely delusional with paranoia, trust or in some cases they are actually being cheated on and worse, divorces happens while in jail. Jail is painful enough. I can't even imagine how extra painful a divorce would be stuck in here with such anguish and inability to do anything about it, or attending a loved ones funeral. I feel for them. But for this I am blessed to not have to be in a relationship upon being arrested. Otherwise I might have ended up like the other poor abandoned souls here. Gods save them. In a way I am feeling abandoned to though. Erin still won't answer my calls. My best friend of 15 years thinks I lied to her, without even talking to me. I wish I could tell her, "Erin, take me to the highest of courts under oath punishable by death or like in prison I did not lie to you! Nor did I withhold information". Somewhere between her and my lawyer, there must have been a misunderstanding of some kind. She won't even give me a chance to explain. Her baby is coming soon and I'm missing it. I want to know how she is, how big she has gotten, and how she is handling the "joys" of being pregnant. But she won't answer. I wrote her a letter I don't know if she got it or not. I'll just have to deal with her when I get out I guess. I think that's about it. I hope you talked to Dad about my car. I could have fixed all my car issues had you all let me out on bond. But things are now going as I feared. I will lose everything. Probably end up forfeiting my disability case and everything. I hope you will still have that gym membership so I can shower and I have a car, I should still be able to survive and get back on my feet quickly. If Dad sells it, I'm screwed. That amp was a business investment, like a mechanic in his tools. I will need it to make money..
Wow! OK, this is a long letter I better go. Take care. Blessings and good health to you, Jon and Karl and your folks. lots of love talk to you. Talk to you later.. love Mark.
Oh and happy Thanksgiving! I hope it's non GMO.
Random happy thoughts: friends, cats, nature, Chinese culture, cleanliness, quartz crystals, mansions, castles, guitars video games, romance, Facebook, YouTube, books, memories, swords, anything Egyptian, metaphysics, driving, caffeine, Google shopping, eBay, snow pewter wizards, windchimes, movies Bluetooth, Ace Ventura, Netflix, mad TV, moon, trees, harp, Viola.
Books I have read so far: Beowulf, Merlin, freelancer, an old friend of the family, take time for your life, outliers one flew over the cuckoo's nest, mystery of Atlantis, chariots of the God's, Odyssey.
I haven't written poetry since high school. I call this "life"
When things go well, you challenge me (again)
A never ending battle between you and I.
A tug-of-war I can't give in. This is not over.
I want to live my life till the end.
I want to live it up and make amends.
Another round we go, lose everything you make it so.
A roller coaster ride that makes me sick,
A roller coaster ride I cannot get off.
But time will heal this dizzying array that is called "life" I will survive.
I want to live my life to the end,
I want to live my life to the fullest.
These hardships I endure, you leave me no choice but to find the cure.
You can break me over and over again but you cannot keep me down.
Where there is a will, there is a way.
And I WILL live to fight another day.
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