Dear Mom, 9/28/15

Dear mom,

 I'm sorry our last conversation was less than pleasant. I had to bring up those personal things between us to get it on record over the phone, so the courts know I  did not just make such a crazy thing up. You and I have not spoken of those things between us in some time, and I think we should. I need to be able to move on from this stuff. I sometimes feel these nightmares will never end until you and I get counseling or something. I need closure somehow. We shouldn't have to leave each other out of our lives, to leave it behind and try to forget, as I have tried. You are my mom, and all I ever wanted was a perfect happy "Disney family" where everyone is happy with each other. But no, the stuff between us has forever tainted our relationship making things awkward, and even the sound of my voice annoys you, and you rush me to get onto the point, raising my anxiety, and lowering my self esteem. You and I didn't even physically do anything and it's still awkward! Hell karl and Steve got me to give them both fellatio in the middle of the street when I was just a kid. But I forgive him. I hope someday you can forgive me for being a victim of myself. A teenage hermit, who didn't see many females my age during OVC (special ed school) because I kicked myself out of public school.  And that's part of how those nightmares started. To refresh your memory, I wouldn't see you, and try not to see you, Because I felt awkward being around you. I wanted the dreams to stop before I could be comfortable around you again. But because of joint custody you forced me over to your place. Do you remember Karl kicked my ass while you let it happen to get me over to your house? I'm not blaming you. It's not your fault you haunt my dreams. I trace it all back to me kicking myself out of public school. It's all my fault. Nevertheless it is what it is, and dreaming these dreams for years and years, month after a month, from age 14 to present has really fucked me in the head. As it would with anyone. These dreams will come up in court as they are a piece of the puzzle of my case. I told my former celly, who googled my charges, the whole story between you and I and he said "dude you are fucked up! You need counseling". That's the exact response I'm hoping from the judge on top of a few other key pieces that I have not told you Yet. I think anyone would understand how these things can drive me to a level of insanity, as in- not guilty- reasons of insanity.

 By the way my charges as in a class offenses are not that severe.  Class 6 is the lowest felony you can get get. The class fives are because in the state of Virginia you can be immediately charged with a second, 3rd, 4th and 5th offense consecutively after the first same offence. I hope that gives you a little more clarity. There are much worse things people can be charged with obviously. My charges look petty compared to others here. And I have a legit explanation. 

 Well I think I've said enough. Sorry to bring up those things about us. Shit, I think I should remind you of one more thing that led to that terrible drunk night when I spoke to you. After the divorce age 11 to 14 you made me very uncomfortable, and I thought you were leading me on giving me cues, like the pool incident when you pointed to your pubic hair poking out of your bathing suit, and I recall you changing with your bedroom door half open. You frequently asked to see my anus and testicles for presumably medical reasons. I remember it well you using a flashlight and blanket to teach me about Dad's gross  uncircumcised penis. You also probably shouldn't have let me sleep and your bed to age 11 as well. All of these things could have had some influence, and people on aol chat rooms convinced me to tell you about the dreams and talk to you about it all. The dreams and the alcohol made made me crazy until I finally confessed all the above mentioned to you.

 I'm very sorry this letter is not what you want to hear or discuss, but our past had to be brought up again eventually. I don't know about you, but I simply can't ignore or forget. I'm still having nightmares. nightmares I almost took my life over. I'm desperate for them to stop, and I'm too embarrassed to tell many people.

 I would keep ranting, but I need to get this letter off to you ASAP. I got a new celly I don't trust, and he may read this if I don't send it out quick. 

Apparently someone knows my charges and told this new celly... joy. I will probably have to go to another pod now. Words spread like a virus here. 

By the way how is karl? I worry about him. One inmate here recently got out, and the very next day he died from a heroin overdose. I wrote dad a letter. He can tell you about some things I am too rushed to include, but I think you all will get a closer idea of the big jigsaw puzzle of my crime. I am not a pedophile, I am not a threat to society. I like older women. Everyone knows that. Period! On Facebook and social media or anything I don't even associate with anyone under 22! Have faith, and refrain from assumptions about me. All will be fully explained in time be well.

 PS; I would love a Wiki list of Sega 32x  games when you can thanks.

 Thank you for everything and holding on to my stuff. Hopefully I can get it out early next year after mental hospital.

 The following might be a separate letter or a continuation as there is no date.

Sorry for getting straight to the point. No point of introductory chit chat. Jail sucks, that's all there it is to it. I just can't wait to get out and get back on my feet. Nothing more really needs to be said.

  I just wanted to ask a quick favor while I'm thinking of it. I asked Dad to ask you, but he probably forgot like everything I say to him. Can you all please go through my boxes of files and gather all of my mental hospital & mental health records not just school, And deliver them to my public defender please?

 Also, if I'm going to be here for a few more months I could really use a favor. I have a business idea with video games. But I need a list of games for just a few consoles I am not entirely familiar with. Can you please Google a list of games for Sega 32X or even or even print a printer friendly list a games for 32X. A Wiki site should probably be top result. Print that out and send it to me please? It shouldn't be that long. Even copying  and paste on to notepad will be fine. Eventually I will also need a list of games for Sega CD, Sega Saturn, Atari Jaguar and Philip's CD-I. But if you can find and send any of these lists, that would be super awesome. Thanks!! I hope you're enjoying your summer. Tells smoochie I said "meow" and Jon I said Hi. I have also been thinking of a Grandma and Grandpa. Send them my regards. Did Jessica ever write me? I could use more pen pals besides family and a few friends, but I do not know anyone's address. Tina and Shannon write me, and that's about it for now. Ttyl